This is something I never saw coming. Today is day 341 alcohol free. I quit fast and slow last November. Fast because it was like I flipped a switch and just decided I needed to quit. Slow because I was thinking about doing this for the past so many years and I just didn’t know how.

Alcohol had always been a part of my life – for as far back as I can remember. My parents were both daily drinkers, each day punctuated by a scotch on the rocks at five o’clock. They drank together, with their friends, and it just was an everyday thing. While we may not have had money for lots of things, there was always money for scotch, or gin, or rye and vodka.

My dad was a complicated and predictable drunk. His signs were easy to detect. Sometimes the drink made him slow and sloppy, loving and weepy; sometimes the drink made him angry and bitter, violent and scary. For my mom, it was always the same. The drink made her sad and weepy, weak and compliant.

While my brothers took the brunt of my father’s abuse – whether direct violence or painful neglect, my path was different. To keep on his good side, I lived a life of over-achieving, excellence, finding my way to win as many awards, academic, athletic, and otherwise, to keep my place as the perfect child intact. I was the only daughter and that helped too.

But this story isn’t really about that. Even though it started there and marianted there. This story is about me and how I started drinking when I was fifteen and didn’t stop until I was 56. Every holiday, major event, was fueled with alcohol.

Because the hard stuff scared me and reminded me, I kept to wine. White wine was my companion. How I relished that first sip, allowing it to sit under my tongue before swallowing. It was my reward, my treat, my friend. Or so I thought. And I could not imagine a life without it.

For the most part, I was a very controlled drinker. Careful to not allow myself to become the angry drunk or the washed up sleepy drunk, I always knew when to stop. With a very few exceptions, I never over-indulged. Rarely screwed up – and never once blacked out.

I was what I know understand is known as a ‘gray area’ drinker. Someone who regularly consumes alcohol and has some dependence on it – but who doesn’t really fit the profile of a raging out-of-control alcoholic. I never missed a day of work, rarely even got hangovers and could always maintain a sense of control.

However, I was struggling. There was this growing ambivalence around my drinking and a real fear that I would somehow at some point become my parents. That if I wasn’t hyper vigilant, losing my control was an inevitability. And so I was ever so ever careful. And over the past two decades so many mornings bathed in regret – “why did I have that one more glass? Ugh, I didn’t sleep well and I have a sour stomach. That wine last night must have been cheap because I have that gross feeling today.”

Sure there were times when I tried to take a break – and I did so somewhat successfully. Dry January. Sober October. Whole 30 – but most of those efforts were not stellar. Most included a cheat day, some time during which I would have a nip. Sometimes I would hide it – in a coffee mug, just to keep up appearances. All of those efforts were fueled by pure will power, white-knuckling it through.

Until I read, “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace. That book breaks down the physiology of alcohol in our human bodies – and explains the why behind my regular drinking. It gave me the insight to understanding exactly what was happening and why it was happening. With that vital information, I came to understand alcohol for the toxic poison that it is. And I came to understand why my body and mind craved it when it did. We are not in a fair fight with alcohol – it uses our body processes to keeping us linked. With that information, I had ephiphany after epiphany about what was happening in my relationship with alcohol.

I also discovered a community – a podcast of stories – of other people, much like me that had this same struggle. Up until now, I had felt my only option was Alcohol Anonymous – yet I knew I wasn’t that kind of drinker. My brother, almost thirty years sober, had brought me to many of his meetings over the years. That works for him and for so many, and it is vital- but I could not relate. I didn’t drink like that – but the Naked Mind community – that was something. Those stories did resonate. That freedom from alcohol was possible. Testimonial after testimonial was proof that maybe I could also be free.

Sidebar. My mom and dad died too early. Both had horrible health issues. My mom died from a cardiac arrest at age 57- not directly from alcohol, but I am quite sure all of the drinking compromised her life and that she could be alive today had it not been for all the scotch. My dad died directly from alcohol poisioning – N-stage Cirrhosis of the liver. He bled out of his body. Found dead among the bottles of booze in his condo. That has been a hard thing to live with.

I was about to have a birthday, turning the same age, 57, my mom was the year she died. I decided that I wanted to be the very best I could be – to honor her and to honor me and to honor my kids, I decided to give up alcohol for my entire 57th year. And so I did.

That brings us to today. It was surprisingly easy to stop. And yes, there have been some moments when I thought about a glass of wine at the end of a work week – but mostly it has been ok. Bolstered by my knowledge of what is going on with my body – and my overall ambivalence over the years around alcohol – there has been a surprising measure of, relief.

The ephiphanies have been many. The biggest one centered around the fear of how could I go through the holidays or family birthdays or graduations without having that glass of wine or champagne? After all, alcohol always had a place at the table, always an invited guest. The realization is that I didn’t know anything different. Could it be that maybe these events would be all right without alcohol – So, why not give it a try?

What I have discovered is that it is really nice to be alcohol free. To remember every conversation. To not worry about driving home or being too tired. To never wake up wondering why I said something – overshared or became argumentative – to wake with no regret or upset stomach. To sleep through the night. To feel cognitively really sharp. I never knew that I had this super power.

What is also true, is that I now feel all of my feelings. Sometimes that is hard. There is discomfort. I am not escaping or numbing out when someone hurts my feelings or when I miss one of my children, or feel bad about my divorce or get into an disagreement with a sibling. I feel all of it. But the feelings do not drive me to drink. They just drive me to awareness. A knowing that I was avoiding all of that – and an acceptance of how life is just hard sometimes. But tomorrow, the sun will still come up and I get to try again.

I know there are a lot of people like me. I used to drink with many of them. We shared a bottle of wine and a nice evening. But I know many, like me, wake in the middle of the night bathed in regret and feel physically not so great. For those, I hope my story provides a light. Hope. Support.

The sad truth is that our society glorifies alcohol. It is our cultural celebrity. It is part of everything. And for whatever reason, it continues to be the one activity in our entire life experience that has to be justified if you decide to stop using it. Really. Think about it. If I was doing anything else – anything – and I decided to not do it, I would not have to write about it, talk about, justify it – at all. Yet, here I am. Sharing this story. Mostly because I hope it helps someone else. Someone who like me is in a struggle around their relationship with alcohol. Someone who is looking for a way out but who doesn’t want to be seen as if they have a problem or can’t handle their drink – someone who wants to be free.

I encourage everyone who drinks to read “This Naked Mind”. It is non-judgmental. Just good information. Especially for those who feel like they have everything else under control in their lives- who are high functioning, generally happy people – yet, who can not stop pouring that glass of wine, even if they woke up that morning saying they weren’t going to drink that day.

Sometimes someone will ask me if I ever will drink again. Mostly I tell them that I don’t think so. I started this journey to not drink for the year of being 57 – but the overall benefits and feeling of my life now is just too good. The sleep is delicious, the clarity of thinking and the beauty of my interactions with my family, my friends – its just too good. I feel like I am aging backwards. I have been delighted and surprised and can not imagine a world in which I would ever go back to that ambivalent, somewhat stressed, and tired person I used to be.

Be curious. And know, that you are not alone. Freedom from alcohol is amazing and worth every drop.